Dec 22, 2014

Break-Up Birkin

I had no idea it would be this much. 
I had no idea I could handle it.
I had no idea how beautiful it all actually is.

A lot of people have been commenting on how my aura is radiating of positivity recently and though I hadn't really done anything drastic, I don't know why this has been the main compliment I have been getting from people...Not that I am complaining. I don't actually know how to describe it except for the fact that I have decided to be unapologetically myself and when I decided to be that, there was no further decision to make... everything fell into place. You see, a lot of us tend to take this for granted but incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don't. So where do I begin? To start off, I can't force people to love me or to even like me as I have no control over how people perceive things. However, I do have control on the fact that I can make space for those who matter and who appreciate me for who I am and for the mere fact that there are people who support me in the highs and the lows of my life mean so much to me. I considered myself blessed... and on that Sunday... I was truly enchanted to meet some of you. I never really expected that people would approach me and ask for my signature or a photo with me and be so happy with the mere fact they finally got to meet me. It wasn't exactly on my mind when I signed up on publicly sharing my thoughts and photos online but it fascinates me that there are people who read my ramblings and my stories and can relate and learn from it. It gives me so much satisfaction to know that. And it surprises me how much people actually know about me and can notice such minor things like how I changed my hair color or how I have a boo-boo on my left arm and how I feel and if I am handling the demise of a relationship well. The thing is, I always thought that whenever I type random things in this blog, I was just sending it out to the never actually really occurred to me that so many people read what I say and what I wear or what I am going through and actually remember it. It is such a big deal to me, seriously... you have no idea.

Dec 20, 2014

The Happiness In Her Eyes

My only goal in life right now is to be happy. Genuinely, intensely and consistently happy, regardless of what that looks like to others...
It's Christmas time! I love everything about this season...probably because everyone seems to be jolly and happy and generous...and also because people are at that point where they are settling old scores and trying to close cycles in preparation for the New Year. It truly is the most wonderful time of the year! Aside from the festivities, one of my most favorite things about the Christmas season is the gifts. I love the gifts. Now, not to sound materialistic or something, because the gifts I mean are those that you can't purchase in a store or those that have monetary value. I've been raised in a loving family where the most fascinating and most important gifts are those that you don't have to buy and I think that personally, I prefer it that way. I am not one of those people who appreciate something expensive or costly to be given to me to make me happy... I think I am a more simple and practical person where effort is more appreciated over the cost. After all, if you are the kind of person who can have anything you want, what you want are the things that money can't buy and this actually requires more energy than having to go to a mall and buying something and paying for it at a counter. Now what gifts am I referring to? It can be anything from a simple smile, an apology from someone you had animosity towards (and a reconciliation), having good and unforgettable memories with people that will last a lifetime or perhaps being given another chance to make things right. I find those gifts more fascinating... don't you think?

Dec 18, 2014

Anchor Yourself To Something Special

Everything changed the day she figured out that there was exactly enough time for the important things in her life.

I have been on this one woman mission of reinvention ever since the middle of the year, when I woke up and realized that somehow... my life didn't make sense to me the way I needed it to. I had matching tattoos done on the left side of my ribcage with my sister Katie with the word 'evolve' and it is the single one tattoo I don't think I will ever regret because I consider myself forever changing and evolving into more of me. It is very easy to get brainwashed by the standard set for me by the society but somehow I managed to break free... (Cue in this year's very meaningful Halloween costume) There are exactly 17 days left in this year's calendar. I am thankful. I found myself this year... not realizing how lost I was. Currently, I find myself so free that even if someone put me in cuffs, I'd still feel my freedom. I find comfort in being comforting. I think at one point, I got lost in the trend of keeping up with the trends until one day, I decided that I was the trend and that I should only be keeping up with was myself. The past years, I think I have been laying my foundation on something weak and shaky... like relationships and other people but I think I have somehow transitioned. Another meaningful tattoo that I got was behind my left ear and it is an anchor which is of significance for two reasons: (1) since my initials "JL" put together resemble an anchor so much, it might as well be my own sigil and (2) because despite how many reasons are thrown at me, I refuse to sink. Life's toughest storms the strength of our anchors... and I think mine has proven to be tough enough as it has been put to the test so many times.

Dec 17, 2014

What Boyfriend?

No boyfriend? No problems.

I was walking around some bazaars and saw a number of statement shirts with that caption and laughed. While I am happy for all my friends who are blissfully in relationships, personally, I don't think that would work out for me... For now. As I have said multiple times, I am currently happily single and I don't think I want to change that as of the moment. It's refreshing actually to not even be dating right now because there is just no pressure, no drama, no tiffs... And I love it that way. At some point, I think I got tired of all the effort it required and all the issues involved- the main one would be my independence and refusal to inform my significant other of everything I do. I find that prerequisite taxing, actually. Probably because I am not techie or that I forget that I have to and that I seriously forget that I even have a phone in the first place...but that's always how I've been and it's so hard to change that. Trust me when I say I've tried and failed many times.  

Dec 15, 2014

Made To Love

You haven't seen strength until you witness a woman who continues on after being hurt, smiles after being hurt and still remains hopeful even though at times it hurts. You almost can't tell that she's in pain because the way she wears her smile from day to day is symbolic of the strength that only lives within a Queen. You have not seen real strength until you've seen her.

I don't know what it is but I somehow find it odd that I love being decked out in gowns and long dresses... almost like I was born in the wrong era. To be quite frank, I love wearing fancy formal dresses more than I love wearing normal "everyday" clothes which somehow gives me validation that I was indeed probably born in the wrong time period. Now, as I have high respect for situational dressing, as much as I love gowns... it would be quite inappropriate to wear them while running errands, going to work and on a daily basis. That would just be off. However, there are formal occasions that beg for long dresses, pomp and circumstance... one of said occasions include a wedding... which hopefully by now, you are well oriented enough to know how much I love attending them.

Dec 12, 2014

Nude Awakening

“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.
Delicious Ambiguity.”

I used to be such a control freak that every step was carefully planned, every outfit was thought of in advance and I refused to be caught off guard. The thing with being that way is that the sad but unavoidable reality that in life, you are never in control and to assume you are, simply opens you up for major disappointment. I came, I controlled (or tried) and I failed and got a harsh lesson and now I am just going with the flow and taking life as it is. I still crave for control (that's just me and I can't control it---okay for lack of a better term to use...) but now I know when to sit back and relax and let things unfold  before me without having to intervene. I simply trust the vibes I get... because at the end of the day, energy doesn't lie. As for being on top of everything, the rude awakening that one never can be and the sooner you accept that, the better as you strip yourself off the pretense (as comforting as the illusion of having control is) and then you're left to deal with yourself in rawest and purest form possible... that kind of explains my title on nude awakenings...because believe it or not... being stripped off all the false pretenses that somehow reassure you or lull you into a false sense of security is what one needs.